Distractions

Remember the Tide to Go "Talking Stain" commercial from the Super Bowl a few years ago?


Distractions are never helpful in communication and the smallest things can grab our attention.

On Sunday morning the pastor at church had his hand in his pocket at one point and when he took it out, it left his untucked shirt partially tucked into the pocket of his jeans. For the next 3-4 minutes I kept glancing at his shirt, waiting for the pocket to release its hold on the shirt.

Here's another good illustration of how we can get distracted reading something:


I often find myself removing specks of dust from my computer monitor when I'm reading anything on a white background.

What distracts you? Is there something that drives you crazy and draws your attention away from anything else going on?

Priorities

I didn't post anything on the blog yesterday because the night before I hung out with Jamie instead.

Last night we were with some friends and didn't get back until after 1:00. I didn't have a post written until then and almost didn't write one at all until I considered that I could put this together in just a couple of minutes and it may be helpful for someone else.

I've tried to be more conscious lately of things that fill my time that I need to just cut out every once in a while. I'm not very good at it but I'm working on it.

For you, maybe you can cut out checking Facebook at the end of the day or reading another chapter in a book. For me it can be work, checking Twitter or Facebook, updating my fantasy baseball team, working on a new video, blogging...

We all probably have something that's part of our typical evening. Consider cutting it out once in a while - maybe once a week? - and spending some time with your spouse or friends. It sends a bigger message to them when you cut out something else to spend time with them rather than simply fitting them in when it works best for your current schedule.

Wow, I feel all Dr. Phil with this post. That can't be good...

Gossiping about gossip

I overheard a line from a conversation while at lunch the other day and couldn't help but chuckle.

A woman said to her friend in reference to a coworker of theirs, "She really gossips a lot about people to Amy." She then proceeded to talk about how much of a gossip this person was.

The irony wasn't lost on me. I wonder how often I've been guilty of that?

The not-so-passive-aggressive bus rider

I've been riding a bus or train to work and other places for 4.5 years in the Twin Cities. I've lived in 3 different places during this time and have taken pretty much every type of route imaginable. I frequent both express buses carrying mostly office workers and local buses carrying a much more diverse group. I've taken every type of route at all hours that buses and trains run.

I often deal with passive-aggressiveness on the bus. Just yesterday I leaned my seat back, something I don't normally do except when I'm on 4 hours of sleep and nobody is sitting behind me. A woman sat down behind me shortly after that and opened up a newspaper, letting it rest on my head. After a few minutes of this - including page turns that swiped across my head - I started to think it was her passive-aggressive way of telling me she wanted me to sit my seat up. I just put on a hat so I didn't feel the newspaper, which I suppose was my passive-aggressive way of saying no.

But it's rare that I see any direct confrontation on a bus. Minnesota Nice tends to win out around here.

Today was a different day.

I get on the bus at its first stop of the day, so I always have a window seat. A few stops later as the bus fills up, someone usually takes up a seat next to me.

Bus seats are narrow. My estimate for the seat width of the bus I was on this morning was no wider than 36 inches, or 18 inches per person, and that's a generous estimate. By comparison, most coach airline seats are 17-18 inches wide per person.

I'm pushing 6'4". Leaning into windows and rubbing shoulders with my fellow passengers is a way of life on the bus. I normally sit in a seat that can be easily folded up to fit a wheelchair in its space. This seat offers at least 4-6 inches of extra leg room, which is a huge win for a tall guy. This seat also doesn't have two separate seat cushions, a fact that will matter in just a minute.

As the masses filed onto the bus this morning I began my daily wish that nobody would choose to sit next to me. This rarely works since I'm not overweight enough to dissuade people from sitting next to me. There's ample room in the seat next to me and being close to the front of the bus, it's usually taken quickly.

Sure enough, a guy about my size came hobbling onto the bus with crutches. I was in the first seat available to him, just 4 rows back and with plenty of leg room for him to stretch his bum leg. He plopped next to me - and I do mean "plopped."

There are three types of bus riders: 1.) those who maintain a space of at least 1 inch at all times between them and the person seated next to them, even if it means hanging off the edge of their seat, 2.) those who sit in the middle of their seat, unafraid to rub shoulders but attempting to make the best of the small space we're afforded, and 3.) those who think they own the entire seat and are being inconvenienced by needing to share it with anyone else.

This man fit the third category. His plop included mashing himself into my right leg, shoulder, and arm. "Great," I thought, "one of those guys..." But hey, the guy was on crutches and was probably just unsteady. No big deal, right?

As soon as the guy sat down, he slid away from me by about 4 inches, turned to me and said, "You're sitting on my seat."

Okay, this is a new one. In 4.5 years of riding the bus, nobody has ever said this before. I was about as jammed as I could be into the left side of the bus. My arm was resting on the window sill instead of the arm rest. If I mashed my body into the arm rest I could spare him a half-inch of my seat, maybe an inch if he's lucky. I could contort my body. I could...wait a minute, none of these are reasonable options. I was sitting squarely in my seat. I'd even shifted my legs to the left when he sat down so we they weren't invading any of his space.

I managed to respond with something like, "What do you mean?"

He was indignant and obviously upset. He pointed to the middle of the seat and repeated, "You're sitting on my seat!"

Part of the strap of the bag in my lap had fallen a couple of inches into his seat. I picked it up in case that was the offense and just responded with something like, "I'm sitting in my seat; I'm not sitting in your seat."

In a huff, he got up, spun around, and sat down in the seat behind me.

I started wondering whether the guy was right. Was I really taking up too much space? Had my broad shoulders gotten the best of me? Was there more to my 220 pounds than I thought?

I looked at the divider in the back rest that separated the two back cushions on the seat. My torso was definitely not invading his space. An argument could be made for my shoulders, but with 16-18 inches, that's a given for pretty much any passenger over 5'10". I double checked the cushion I was sitting on. It didn't have a divider since it was a solid cushion but again, I was squarely lined up in my seat. I started to wonder if the guy had assumed the seat cushion had a divider and because he couldn't see it, I must be taking up too much space.

Somewhere in the 3 seconds it took for this to run through my mind I heard him tell the woman in the seat behind me, "You're in my seat."

Ah, so that's how it goes. This guy just has issues. Okay, this could be interesting.

She sounded as confused as I had been and just responded, "What?"

He repeated, "You're sitting on my seat."

Unfortunately I couldn't tell you what happened after that as I didn't hear any words exchanged. He sounded exasperated with his last statement, as if he was the only person smart enough to figure out where people should be sitting and he was just going to have to give up on saving the rest of humanity that was packed onto that bus from their ignorance of proper bus seating.

All I could do was shake my head and keep on riding. At the next stop someone did sit next to me. They had ample room and in fact, we didn't even need to brush shoulders. Of course, it helped that she wasn't about the same size as me, wasn't wearing an over-sized coat and didn't have crutches.

I wanted to turn around as I got off the bus at my stop and just say, "I hope you have a better day," but I knew better. I could never have said that without a smug look that communicated something much different.

I'm just glad it took me 4.5 years of using mass transit to come across a guy like that.

The answers twins parents really want to give to your questions

Jamie and I have watched this no less than 5 times since first coming across it a few weeks ago. We laugh every time.

In case you think any of the questions asked are exaggerated, I've included the transcript of the whole 2-minute exchange below and have noted in parentheses which questions Jamie and I have been asked over the past 10 months.


Twins Mom: In an ideal park world, this is how my conversations would go.

Park Mom: Oh wow, are those your two children?
TM: Yes, yes they are.
PM: They are adorable. Have a great day.
TM: Same to you.

TM: And end scene.

TM: Unfortunately, in reality, it goes more like this.

PM: Hello, are those your two children over there?
TM: Yes, yes they are.
PM: Are they twins? (They're 10 months old and we get this all the time.)
TM: Yes.
PM: One is a boy and one is a girl? They do not look alike. (We often get comments about whether they do or don't look alike.)
TM: You are so observant.
PM: My uncle's friend's brother's cousin's mailman has twins. (Many people tell us about someone they know who has twins.)
TM: Awesome.
PM: But they look alike.
TM: Wow.
PM: Are yours identical? (All the time, even though we have a boy and a girl.)
TM: No.
PM: I did not think so.
TM: What gave it away?
PM: Are they natural? (Unfortunately, we've been asked this numerous times.)
TM: They are not robots and are made from organic matter.
PM: Do twins run in your family? (Easily the most common question. The answer is no.)
TM: Is that a transparent attempt to ask me if I've battled with infertility?
PM: Yes, did you have that in vitro thing? (Never directly, but we've been asked this question in other ways.)
TM: What is your favorite brand of tampons?
PM: What?
TM: Oh, sorry, with this line of interrogation, I just assumed that we were now BFF's.
PM: Well, at least you did not get 8 kids like that Octomom.
TM: Lucky me.
PM: I always get pregnant the first time I try.
TM: Great job. Here's your cookie.
PM: Which one do you like better? (Not yet, though we're asked many other "which one..." questions.)
TM: I love them both the same.
PM: Yeah, but which one is your favorite? (Oh yes, we've been asked this one.)
TM: The one who is not screaming.
PM: Which one is smarter?
TM: I am.
PM: I do not know how you do it. (We hear this all the time.)
TM: I have no choice.
PM: My kids are a year apart. I think that is harder than twins. (Yes, we've heard this.)
TM: Come to my house around 5:00.
PM: That's great you have a boy and a girl. You are done. (We often hear, "You can be done now!")
TM: Thanks for handling that decision for me.
PM: I know a lady who has triplets.
TM: Awesome.
PM: At least you do not have quads.
TM: [Blank stare]
PM: Okay, got to go.
TM: Thank God.

TM: And now I will go back under my rock.

If you offend someone, whose fault is it?

I've been in a few situations recently where either I was hurt by someone else's words and actions or someone else was hurt by mine.

If I say or do something that hurts or offends someone, whose responsibility is it?

Responses to this question from the hurtful person tend to include:

"You misinterpreted me."
"It was a misunderstanding."
"You weren't listening to what I had to say."
"You don't know my heart."
"You're being overly-sensitive."
"You're focusing on the negatives."

I've heard these and many other reasons given for dismissing or discrediting someone who is offended. I've used these reasons to excuse things I've said and done before. The offender's focus is on why the offended reacted the way they did and and why they shouldn't have, not on what was done to hurt them and why that may have been wrong.

There are certainly cases in which offense or hurt is out of our control. If my wife and I each have a sibling getting married on the same day, there's nothing we can do to change the fact that someone may be hurt because one or both of us can't make one of the weddings.

But what about when something we say or do hurts someone? How do we respond when a friend brings up a comment made 3 years ago that hurt them and still sticks with them? What do we say when someone confronts us about actions we took towards them that they found hurtful?

These are cases where I think we must apologize and take responsibility. Whether we're right or wrong in what we believed isn't important. What's important is that what we said or did caused hurt, which indicates that it was poorly communicated.

Here's what I've concluded: If you find yourself in this kind of situation, repair the relationship. Accepting responsibility for being a source of hurt and pain through poor communication is far more important than arguing the nuances of your point of view. There may be a time and place for that at some point, but right now, your actions and your comments were hurtful. Swallow your pride, apologize, and move forward.

Starting with me.

America's inability to spell

Google searches offer a revealing look at how America spells. It's not pretty.

Someone stumbled across my blog early this morning with the following Google search:

minisotta vikings attendence

At face value, I didn't think much of it. Then I saw the location of the IP address: Colgate University.

Colgate University is located in central New York. U.S. News and World Report ranked it as the 19th best liberal arts college in the entire country in 2009. 93% of their student body was in the top 20% of their high school class and 79% were in the top 10%. The average high school GPA of students at this school is 3.73 with an average SAT score of 1397.

This place is cranking out smart people, right?

Maybe, but it looks like they've got some smart people who don't know how to spell.

Twitter is perhaps the best examples of America's spelling problem, and I'm not talking about "LOL" or "LMAO." Anytime Brett Favre makes the news, "Farve" becomes a trending topic. When Vikings interim coach Leslie Frazier coached his first game the other day, local TV station Fox 9 Sports repeatedly referenced "Frasier" in their tweets. And this is for a guy who's been the Vikings' assistant head coach for 2 years prior to being named the interim head coach! You'd think someone whose full-time job is to follow people like that would know how to spell the guy's last name.

I know, there are bigger problems in the world than how "Minnesota" is spelled or whether someone knows "R before V except for in Favre." But I can still lament the fact that people don't know how to spell and in many cases don't care to change it.

Passionately anti-airbags?

It seems that everyone is passionate about something that goes against the grain of 90% of the population and in some cases even against common sense.

Some people sit on the fringe, believing, for example, that the 9/11 attacks on New York City were an inside job by the U.S. government.

Others hold to minority positions that have a few more followers than the fringe, such as arguing that vaccines are bad for us. Even this position is sometimes taken to the fringe with the notion that the U.S. government is conspiring to infect its population through vaccinations.

When I was in high school, I jumped on board a rather peculiar "anti-" bandwagon: airbags.

I was in driver's ed. and had to write a paper. I don't think there's a much more boring class for which to write a paper than driver's ed. What are you supposed to write about, the advantages of automatic and manual transmissions in various driving conditions?

I decided to write about the effects of airbags. More precisely, I wrote about the NEGATIVE effects of airbags.

I found a story of an arm that was shattered when an airbag went off in a parked car. I wrote of little children injured when airbags went off for no apparent reason in a still vehicle. Who knows, I may have even found a government conspiracy in airbags.

I don't recall many of the other details of that class or that paper, but I do laugh in hindsight. I think I got a 50/100 on the paper. I'm sure I was annoyed by it and I probably I deserved it.

I can't imagine getting a car without an airbag now, but it helps to remember my well-meaning stance when I come across an idea that I think is really out there.

It's good to be reminded that there's always someone else who thinks that something I believe is really out there too.

Thank you cards: email or snail mail?

I've sent and received many thank you cards, but I received one on Sunday like none I'd received before. Our friends threw a birthday party for their 1-year-old a few weeks ago and we attended. The kid had to have some bath toys!

The thank you card we received on Sunday didn't come in the mail. It wasn't given to us in person. It wasn't really even a card. It was a PowerPoint attachment sent via email.

I thought it was awesome. We've sent our Christmas letters over the last few years via email on Christmas Eve. If people want to read it they can read it in the body of the email or open the attached PDF if they want the photos included. We keep up with email addresses much better than snail mail addresses. Oh, and the best two parts: 1.) It's free and 2.) No trees (or recycled paper) are used.

It's great to see others willing to start using email to send what used to be sent via snail mail. You don't have to wonder if the intended recipient saw it or if their spouse got the mail and filed it away in the "to be read later" drawer. You can guarantee the date (and time) of delivery. You can easily interact with it. I frequently receive email responses to our Christmas letter.

I know there's probably still a cultural stigma that some have with email. I'm sure there are people who frown on our emailed Christmas letters. But the content of the message remains the same whether it's sent via email or snail mail.

So props to our friends for the emailed thank you. I certainly don't have a problem with snail mailed thank yous and I'm sure we'll continue to send them, but I love to see electronic communication accepted as an equivalent alternative to snail mail.

Social media and email will never replace the phone or in-person conversations, but they should be sufficient to replace many other written forms of communication.

A punctuation problem

The more communication moves to text-based formats - instant message, text message, email, blogs, Twitter, Facebook, etc. - the more people try to come up with creative ways to express their emotion. One of the most common - and often annoying - is the exclamation point.

Here's an example of what you may find in a text message response or Facebook response:

Thanks! Have an awesome day! I can't wait to see you!

Here's what the same response looks like without the exclamation points.

Thanks. Have an awesome day. I can't wait to see you.

This just lacks some of the pizazz that the exclamation points bring. The bland periods say, "I guess I sort of care."

So, we use exclamation points, and as our left pinkies wear out, we find that one exclamation point isn't enough, so we make it 3 or 5. If we find our a friend is expecting a baby, we throw 10 exclamation points in there.

What about moderation? What if that response said this:

Thanks. Have an awesome day. I can't wait to see you!

Would that really be such a bad thing? Can we live with just one exclamation point per paragraph - as a start?