If you offend someone, whose fault is it?

I've been in a few situations recently where either I was hurt by someone else's words and actions or someone else was hurt by mine.

If I say or do something that hurts or offends someone, whose responsibility is it?

Responses to this question from the hurtful person tend to include:

"You misinterpreted me."
"It was a misunderstanding."
"You weren't listening to what I had to say."
"You don't know my heart."
"You're being overly-sensitive."
"You're focusing on the negatives."

I've heard these and many other reasons given for dismissing or discrediting someone who is offended. I've used these reasons to excuse things I've said and done before. The offender's focus is on why the offended reacted the way they did and and why they shouldn't have, not on what was done to hurt them and why that may have been wrong.

There are certainly cases in which offense or hurt is out of our control. If my wife and I each have a sibling getting married on the same day, there's nothing we can do to change the fact that someone may be hurt because one or both of us can't make one of the weddings.

But what about when something we say or do hurts someone? How do we respond when a friend brings up a comment made 3 years ago that hurt them and still sticks with them? What do we say when someone confronts us about actions we took towards them that they found hurtful?

These are cases where I think we must apologize and take responsibility. Whether we're right or wrong in what we believed isn't important. What's important is that what we said or did caused hurt, which indicates that it was poorly communicated.

Here's what I've concluded: If you find yourself in this kind of situation, repair the relationship. Accepting responsibility for being a source of hurt and pain through poor communication is far more important than arguing the nuances of your point of view. There may be a time and place for that at some point, but right now, your actions and your comments were hurtful. Swallow your pride, apologize, and move forward.

Starting with me.