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Wide White: I don't speed

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I don't speed

...regularly.

But yesterday was a sad exception. I had to drive to Madison and back in the same day. Not a problem. However, I was late in getting down to Madison for reasons outside of my own control.

I left downtown Madison at 4:20. I had a softball game at 7:00. In River Falls, WI.

Don't let MapQuest fool you. It does NOT take 4 hours to get from downtown Madison to Hoffman Field in River Falls.

Yes, I did give up speeding. Well, I gave up speeding over 5 mph over the speed limit. I think that counts.

However, my softball team was short. Really short. Like, only 7 guys showed up and they had to add a 17-year-old girl who didn't play just to have an official team. (By the way, nice job Hannah!) So of course, you can see the dire need to average 83 mph in a 65 zone. Mind you, half of the traffic - most of which along that corridor is from MN and IL - was going between 75 and 80. Still, I was smart about it.

Speeding takes a certain technique to do it and not get caught. Three times have failed to succeed with that technique. On four other occassions I failed but was let off the hook. Hence the reason I quit speeding (in addition to the fact that I, well, started to grow up).

I did pass four troopers. Two were ticketing someone else. One was facing my direction, but I couldn't tell which lane he was gunning. The fourth was definitely gunning my westbound lane. Herein lies the necessity for mastery of speeding technique.

Never go more than 15 over. Why? My only tickets have come at 16 over. 15 and under were all warnings. So how did I average 18 over?

Drive fast in between the turnarounds and exits. Those are where cops hang out. They don't hang out on rocky knolls on the edge of the road. They hang out where they're able to drive. So don't drive fast while you're driving by places they can drive, i.e., turnarounds and exits.

So, what time did I arrive in RF? Well, ask Martha. She pulled in at the same time as I did. If my memory serves me correctly, it was 7:33, top of the third inning.

(And don't worry Mom, that average of 83 mph...I was just guestimating, and I was only considering highway driving. If you include city driving, it was actually closer 75.487577639751552795031055900621 mph.)

18 Comments:

Blogger kristi noser declared,

Joey, we were glad to see you.....alive.
As for your average speed, if you add all those numbers together and divide by how many people can fit in your car, add the number of pancakes it takes to shingle a doghouse and subtract how many people were at the ball game you get an average of about, ah, 83 I guess. So there you go.

7/11/2006 11:50 PM  
Blogger keithslady declared,

Joey, you drive like your Grandma (if what Dana says is true). Anyway, it's not the speeding that bugs me so much, I've just given up on you and decided to leave you to your wayward ways. BUT, to TEACH others how to disobey the law successfully!!!! I think I may disown you.

7/12/2006 2:34 PM  
Blogger Joey declared,

I didn't teach anyone anything. I simply explained how I did it. If they choose to learn from that, then so be it....

7/12/2006 3:52 PM  
Blogger Billiam declared,

What amuses the hell out of me, as a professional, is the people that hit their brakes when they see a cop. Clue #1. If you see him, he's already got you, if he wants you.If he's on the shoulder with another car, he's not going to say, you can go, there's the jerk I got up for this morning.
#2. If the cop is driving below the speed limit, it's ok to pass him! He's not going to pull you over! Man, I have issues!

7/12/2006 4:07 PM  
Blogger kristi noser declared,

Actually Billiam, that passing the police is not always true. A friend of a friend mine was following an officer and he was speeding up and slowing down and she finally passed him and when she did he sped up so she was at like, three over the limit and he gave her a ticket. He told her that you never pass a police officer. Jonesin' for giving a lecture I guess.
Oh, and did you hear Joey drives like a grandma?

7/12/2006 4:19 PM  
Blogger Joey declared,

On a four-lane highway, Billiam's right. I wouldn't pass a cop on a two-lane though. But I have done it numerous times on a four-lane. What stinks is when I'm the first one to creep past him. Makes me feel weird.

Also, ditto on hitting the brakes. It's an admission of guilt. Stupid thing to do. And agreed on what to do when they're on the shoulder. I find it amusing that people actually slow down. I understand slowing down for safety reasons, but don't slow down because it's a cop...pretty sure he's preoccupied!

My grandma is a sweet driver!

7/12/2006 5:25 PM  
Anonymous kelli - with an i declared,

Hey Kristi, did you hear that Joey drives like a sweet Grandma? And, as a mother of a soon-to-be-driver, I'm SO not letting my son read this blog!! Too much information!!

7/12/2006 7:12 PM  
Anonymous cbass declared,

hey you're right you do speed and weave in the rainstorm while singing Adelveiss and "Do Re Mi" no less....hahaha j/k!

Gosh good thing you don't have a fish on the back of your
potential "murder weapon" but I guess well never mind...

7/13/2006 3:39 PM  
Blogger Clint declared,

My theory on speeding is this...

the faster you go, the less time you spend on the road.

The less time you spend on the road, the less likely you are to see a cop on said road.

the less likely you are to see said officer of the law, the less likely that said officer can clock you speeding.

Therefore go faster - it decreases you risk of getting a speeding ticket.

At least that's how it must work in Illinois because all of those F$%^ers speed in Wisconsin

7/13/2006 5:29 PM  
Blogger Joey declared,

Adelveiss and "Do Re Mi"...you gave away my cover Sara!

7/13/2006 6:23 PM  
Anonymous cbass declared,

(oops did I say that out loud!?)

Hey that's so true about mapquest when we were in FL they totally gave wrong directions and of course the most longest way to the destination. It was some weird time warp thing we were driving in, you had to have been there. They're way off.

7/13/2006 8:59 PM  
Blogger Joey declared,

Sure, now you go ripping MapQuest, which I love and live and die by!

Jeepers Sara...

7/13/2006 9:16 PM  
Anonymous swurtz declared,

Cbass I thought adelveiss was our doet...

7/13/2006 9:24 PM  
Anonymous cbass declared,

hey I'm just callin it like it is.

And Steven our duet is the goats on the mountain song remember Yodala-hee-who...

7/14/2006 2:58 PM  
Anonymous deke declared,

And you are proud of this? You are the typical type of jackass conservative who cares not at all about the problems you might create by your careless actions. How about going to Iraq and driving around some land mines for recreation and leave our streets to those of us who drive the speed limit?

7/19/2006 2:13 AM  
Blogger Joey declared,

Some people just can't take self-deprecating humor. And how is it that only conservatives speed? Careless actions? Okay. Since you were there riding with me, I guess you'd know. Never mind the fact that I have no accidents on my record.

Are all liberals like this guy? Seriously. Wonder if he'd call me a jackass conservative if he were face-to-face with me. It's sad to see what people become under the guise of the internet.

7/19/2006 5:24 PM  
Blogger NoOtherName declared,

OK, after getting home from Indiana I read your "I don't speed" entry. Strange how I've noticed more cops on the road since then. Anyways, yesterday as I'm driving home from Woodbury, I spot a cop in the 94E median and immediately looked down at my speed. About 3-4 over, I ease off the accelerator (not braking--he's already seen me, right?) I wasn't worried. Until he pulls out and gets into the same lane as me. And then I start tensing up, wondering if I'll soon be seeing flashing lights. At that moment the only thing I could think of was your comment that cops only bust people who are at least 16 over, and I think, "if I get a ticket, I am SO going to yell at Joey!"

I never saw the lights.

p.s. I also have a friend who got pulled over for passing a cop! He didn't get a ticket, but he was told, "you never pass a cop!"

7/21/2006 4:53 PM  
Blogger Joey declared,

Just remember: that 16+ thing is MY experience...results may vary!

7/22/2006 9:31 AM  

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