Should I be mad at God?

Faith has been brought up numerous times by numerous people during the last 8 days so it seems natural to dedicate a post to it. Jamie read this post and noted that it looks more like I'm processing than actually concluding anything and she's probably right, but since many have asked or simply offered their own thoughts on faith in the middle of this, I thought it would be worth communicating where I'm at.

I think everyone who knows us is aware that faith in God is central to our lives. We were introduced to one another by a pastor's wife at a church business meeting, so you really can say it's been a part of our life together from the moment we met.

Of course, anytime a Christian is faced with some sort of adversity, people seem to be interested in how their faith is impacted. I'm not exactly sure why this is. I guess we assume that it's in our darkest time that we really test whether our faith is true or not, or to what extent we believe it, as if the rest of our lives are sort of a training ground for this dark moment.

I'm not mad at God. I don't know if people think I'm supposed to be, but I'm not. Jesus is the same today as he was 8 days ago. My baby girl's diagnosis hasn't changed that. I'm not the first person whose world has been rocked by devastating news. Maybe our world view is by nature so egocentric that we just don't look around us to see all of the pain that's happening each day until it eventually comes to us, which explains why many people lose their faith in God - or at least question him - in trying times.

But does my perspective mean I have a really strong faith in God? Does it mean I believe he is in control and whatever happens is what's meant to happen? Or does it mean I don't believe in a God who is all-powerful and could really heal my daughter?

You can go round-and-round about how what's best in God's eyes isn't always what's best in our eyes, and that's true. But it's still pretty universally accepted that losing a baby in utero is a pretty awful thing. No matter how much it makes you cherish life more, love those around you more, or makes you stronger, it's never, ever a good thing to go through.

So if I believe God can heal my daughter, shouldn't I be upset with him if he doesn't do it? I think this is the question most people get hung up on.

I realize that a miracle is possible. I realize there are examples in the Bible where people prayed for a miracle and got it. But I've never seen a case where a chromosomal abnormality was simply biologically reversed and I don't see a reason to think it will happen this time around.

And yet, I'm not upset with God.

Maybe it's because I don't view God as a slot machine for me to come to, pull the lever, and expect to be served with the best outcome possible. I also don't think God is a chess player with the world as his chess board and my daughter as a pawn he's about to take for his own.

I believe God provides refuge from the storm. He's someone to whom I carry these trials and lay them at his feet. I think he provides healing - not always physical, but certainly spiritual, emotional, relational healing. I believe he will take my daughter in his arms when she's lifted up to heaven.

I don't know why he's taking her so young. But do I need to figure out why? There's a lot I don't know about God. We spend so much of our lives trying to figure God out, but how can a finite mind ever know an infinite one?

I've often thought of Deuteronomy 29:29 in circumstances like this:

The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.

There are some things we just can't understand.

So I put my faith in the God of the Bible, not to immediately fix all of the problems in this world or with my daughter, but to carry us through these times and to be a source of comfort, rest, and hope. I don't think I have to know why everything happens on earth - the good or the bad - to maintain my trust in him as my rock.