A service for all the other services and parties

Jamie got an email yesterday from someone we've never met but who's walked this road before. She said,

I'm praying that saturday goes well. I know the feeling of pressure... of having only that ONE thing to plan! trying to pack every birthday, recital, graduation, wedding into one event.

That last sentence struck me. Jamie has said that numerous times. She was stressing out about the service and then said a couple of days ago that she realized why: "This is my only shot. This is the only chance I get to have a party for her. This is her birthday party and graduation party and every other celebration thrown into one. I want it to be perfect!"

The reality is tomorrow won't be perfect. Death is so evil and imperfect. While we celebrate Kaylee Hope's life, it's in remembrance and reflection of her death. Her life cannot be celebrated without acknowledgment of her death, and that is so painful, so wrong. This is nothing like a birthday party or a Christmas dinner. And yet we want so badly for it to be those things.

But we must celebrate her life. I was talking to my new friend Mark yesterday. Mark lost his son at 35 weeks a few months ago. Regarding the question of whether it makes sense to hold a service for a stillborn child, he asked, "Would you hold a service for your 95-year-old grandmother?" He let the question hang. I nodded, "Of course." The pregnant pause persisted and I understood what he was saying. If a 95-year-old life is to be celebrated and honored and remembered, why not a 22-week-old life?

For those considering coming to Kaylee Hope's service tomorrow, I want to reiterate 2 things.

1. No matter how well you know us, please know that if you want to be there you are welcome to join us. If Kaylee Hope has impacted you and you'd like to be at her service, we want you to be there.
2. If children are an obstacle to you coming, please don't hesitate to bring them! We're remembering the life of a child. Who better to take part in that than other children? Besides, our 13-month-old twins will be there along with my 5-year-old brother, so your kids will probably have some good, noisy company.

I have a strange uneasiness about tomorrow. I fear the thought of forgetting about my daughter after this is all said and done. I also fear the potential for more grief next week as we start to move on, as the cards stop showing up in our mailbox and people move on with their lives. I wonder if we'll feel left behind, screaming for someone to care as the rest of the world moves on. I wonder these things because I've seen grief take on these forms in others. I can't help but wonder what form it will take in my wife and me.

For now, I just hope for peace and joy as we celebrate Kaylee Hope's life tomorrow.