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Wide White: The little things

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The little things

It's the little things that get me lately, that bring memories and thoughts of Kaylee Hope flooding back.

Keira isn't generally very cuddly, but the other morning she saw Kaylee Hope's stuffed lamb - a gift from a friend at the hospital that has come to sort of represent Kaylee Hope in our house - and she grabbed it and snuggled it up to her. Then she kissed it on the nose and cheeks, then snuggled with it again. We were moved to tears as we thought of how that should really be her sister she's holding, not just a stuffed animal!

Yesterday I read a line in a blog post that I've seen numerous times before: "Enter the daughter. Extra X chromosome musta been working." I'd never thought twice about the "extra X chromosome" joke. But it leaped from the screen, reminding me of that X chromosome that my daughter was missing, the missing chromosome that ultimately took her life.

A coworker was wearing purple yesterday. So are at least 5-10 other people I see every day. I always wonder if it's for Kaylee Hope. I wonder when I won't wonder that.

These are small things. These are trivial things. But these are the things that remind us of the daughter we no longer have.

Memories are necessary. They remind us that she lived, that she was with us. But they bring us to tears. As they remind us of what we had, they remind us of what's gone.

I love the little things.

I hate the little things.

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Blogger Darcee Zehm declared,

Dear Joey and Jamie,

I happened to come across this blog tonight and my heart went out to you both.

Your story reminded me of the loss of my own baby in 2003. I was only a couple months along and therefor was not blessed with the opportunity to feel the baby move and connect with it in that way. I prayed to God regarding her identity and he revealed to me that she was a girl and her name was Faith Ann. Faith was due on March 8, 2004, and she would have been 7 years old this month.

My husband, Mel, and I wrote letters to our baby after I finally did loose her (I carried her several weeks knowing that she didn't have a heartbeat, hoping that maybe the ultrasound was wrong) and lifted the balloon to heaven at Mel's father's grave site. It was a beautiful way to say goodbye.

I can't imagine what you are going through right now and there are no words of comfort. I do want to tell you that I am amazed at your faith and your beautiful and heartfelt tributes to your precious girl. She and her siblings are lucky to have you for parents. During the days ahead, you may find that you both grieve the loss of your child in different ways and thats OK. God loves you both and Kaylee so much. His heart weeps for your loss. God is your strength and your love when you are weak. He has loving strong arms to lean on and cry into.
One mental image that gave me a great amount of comfort was picturing Jesus in heaven holding my baby in his arms before the heavenly hosts and loved ones anouncing with pride, "It's a girl!"
I imagine that Faith was there to greet Kaylee into heaven as Jesus held her in his arms.
God Bless You and bring you comfort.
Darcee Zehm

3/17/2011 10:46 PM  

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