What Tiger Woods Means To Me Personally

My wife was going through some old high school papers she'd saved. She let me read one paper that she had to write for a golf unit in some high school outdoor sports class. Thinking that this topic was utterly ridiculous, she got together with one of her best friends - who also thought the topic was ridiculous - to write the paper.

The topic she was given - with no choice in the matter - was, "What Tiger Woods Means To Me Personally." The paper that follows is what she came up with to express her feelings about Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.

What Tiger Woods Means To Me Personally

It is impossible to describe in any quantitative nuance what the idyllic Herculean figure of Tiger Woods has meant to me or how his unintentional embodiment of all that is good and just has reinforced my very being. Eldrick has been a paternal figure inflicting discipline, inducing spiritual growth and bolstering my self-image in times of existential flux. Indeed, in times when I have felt as insignificant as a zoospore of the genus chlamydomlongosonas, one look from Eldrick through my TV screen has been enough to get me through another day. I sense his encouragement from afar.

So advanced is my allegiance to Eldrick it cannot be described by the conditions of the here and now, but only through circumstantial theorems. Imagine that Eldrick was captured by the Taliban and forced to play basketball against Afghanistan’s #7 player, Habib Sveñsundersønmillnessfüdderfüdderfüdder in sudden death. The U.S. government, in a feeble attempt to better the situation, sends Jesse Jackson over as a hostage crisis mediator. Trusting my love’s safety to no one but myself, I would travel by subterranean thermo-hydraulic tunnels to Afghanistan and infiltrate into the coliseum and hotwire the scoreboard, declaring Eldrick the champion. This is but one scenario in which my loyalty to Eldrick would be manifest.

Yes, she really turned that paper in. Can you tell why I married her?