Insecure about money

Money is a sensitive topic for many people. I tend to be an open book in most areas of my life, including money and how I spend it. It's good to bounce things off of others who are in a similar (or even not-so-similar) place to help establish good spending, budgeting, saving, and giving habits.

But there's one question most people steer clear of: "How much do you make?"

I can think of two times I've been asked that question since I've been in salaried positions after college. Both people asking were related to me and both questions came out of a much extensive conversations. I didn't mind telling them if they cared. I don't care, so it's not something I asked them or have asked anyone else, but I don't mind if someone else wants to know.

What I find interesting about the question though isn't the fact that it's asked, but how I respond. I've found myself going to great lengths to try to give my salary context. In both cases, I suspected I earned more than the people who were asking me what I earned. It's as if I felt I had to then defend my salary for some reason.

I found myself explaining how high the cost of living is where I am. Sure, it's cheaper here than in San Francisco or Washington, DC, or New York. Compared with other large cities, we aren't in the upper tier of expense. But both people who've asked me have been from more rural areas where housing is half the cost of the Twin Cities.

I found myself explaining that our home cost quite a bit less than the average home in our city, that my income is somewhere around the median household income for our area (statistics vary by source). Of course, the fact that Jamie doesn't work got thrown in there as well. After all, we're living in this pricey climate on just one income!

I found myself throwing in vague information about payments that we had and how quickly we're trying to pay them down or how aggressive we are about trying to pay our house off in closer to 15 years instead of 30.

And afterwards, I found myself wondering why I bothered to stumble over the details. Why did it really matter? I was asked a simple question, I gave an answer, but I gave much more than just a simple answer. Why did I feel the need to add all of the context? Why not let the person asking the question figure out the cost of living factors? Or why not just let them think I make more relative to my cost of living than I actually do?

I'm not really sure exactly why I cared to elaborate. I think some of it is just trying to put myself on a level playing field with the people asking. If I think or know they make less than me, I don't want them to be intimidated by my higher earnings or wish they had that or think differently of me because of it. So I downplay it.

Four years ago, I made far less than I do now. At that point, any time I got in a discussion about what I did for a career, I was always quick to give my position context. I made sure people knew it was a stepping stone, that I wasn't planning to be "stuck" there. I think I really exhibited some of the same insecurity, just the other way around. I wanted to feel validated, like I was actually going somewhere, like I wasn't just some liberal arts major who was stuck in a dead end job that had nothing to do with his degree.

I wish I didn't think of money in this way. I wish I didn't subconsciously associate the success of friendships with relative economic power. (In other words, I think I have a subconscious thought that if someone else makes what I do, we'll probably have the ability to do - or not do - the same or similar things. Our budget for eating out and our ability to take a weekend getaway together or do anything else recreational is obviously tied to our ability to pay for it, so I find that I think in those terms without even realizing it.)

I think my response shows to some extent how important a factor money is to me, or at least how much I think about it without even thinking about the fact that I think about it. Maybe it shows how insecure I am about how I spend it. Our spending is exposed in so many areas. Cars, vacations, and televisions are very visible. Sure, the number of miles or the actual expense of the vacation or television may not be known exactly. But they're must more visible than the check you wrote to your church or the Salvation Army.

I hope if I'm ever asked how much I make again, I respond better. I hope I can be more matter of fact about it. I don't expect my friends who make more than me to explain to me what they do with all of it. And ultimately, if someone wants to know all of those details, they can ask me. I'll be happy to divulge them and be held accountable for it.