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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I love you, Thadwick

Today's post was supposed to be about a name. A few months ago my brother sent me an email referring to the baby we're expecting as "Thadwick." We didn't really have an "in utero" name for the baby and somehow - oddly - Thadwick stuck.

I had this post planned about baby nicknames, the names we used for our last pregnancy - we started with "Peanut" and switched to "Peanuts" when we found out it was twins.

Then we had our 20-week ultrasound yesterday morning. At our last 20-week ultrasound we found out we were having twins. This time we found out we will likely lose our baby.

I'm heartbroken. We're heartbroken.

I don't think I've ever used the word "heartbroken" to describe how I feel about anything. I don't think I've ever quite understood the term.

We'd discussed a few times how we felt like we weren't paying as much attention to this pregnancy. Running around after 12-month-old twins takes time and we've found ourselves noting, "We're already at 17 weeks! How'd that happen?" Last time around, we were just about counting off each day.

But yesterday we were awakened to how much this little one means to us. We're both overwhelmed by the love and affection we have for this child.

Within seconds of beginning the ultrasound the doctor made it clear that something was wrong. There was far too much fluid buildup. In fact, he seemed surprised that the child is still alive.

His guess is that the child has Turner syndrome. If that's the case, it's a girl (he wasn't able to determine the gender definitively, but that condition only exists in girls).

Most of what I've read on Turner syndrome - and it isn't much since the diagnosis isn't confirmed and I'd rather wait until it is to dive in - deals with the condition in children and adults. What I've found on babies with Turner syndrome in utero is fairly bleak. 3% of pregnancies actually start with this condition, but 99% of them are miscarried in the first trimester. (You can read more from the National Institutes of Health if you're interested.)

Again, we just have a preliminary prognosis at this point. We're hoping to schedule an appointment for a level 2 ultrasound today where we can hopefully get more conclusive information.

Either way, the prognosis from the doctor was tough to read:
Single fetus breech presentation with heart tones and movement is noted. The fetus has large septated cystic neck masses consistent with hygromas, large pleural effusions and ascites. The placenta is high posterior and edematous. Preliminary impression is Turner's syndrome and impending heart failure. The study is not completed and measurements are not done. The patient is referred to MPP
The words "impending heart failure" might as well have been bolded, underlined, and blown up to a size 60 font. That line keeps running through our minds.

The last 20 hours have been a roller coaster. We've cried. We've prayed. Friends brought us dinner. I read the baby one of my favorite board books, Moo, Baa, La La La!.

I have to find a new nickname if this is a girl. Thadwick won't do. But that's the least of my concerns.

I just want to hold her. I want to tell her it's okay. I want to make it better. I want it all to be over, to have her in my arms and take her home and bundle her up like all babies should be.

But chances are I'll never have that chance. And it breaks my heart.



I love you, Miss Beautiful. ("Miss Beautiful" is much better than "Thadwick.")

And I don't think it's cheesy anymore when people say their children with "birth defects" are "perfect." I realize now that they don't mean you're biologically perfect. They mean that they love you just as you are.

I hope you're not hurting. I cry when I imagine your tiny heart failing. I hope it's not. I hope you're okay. I hope if the prognosis is right, you don't feel any pain.

Whether or not you feel pain though, we feel it for you. We're hurting very much.

I love you,

Your daddy

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30 Comments:

Blogger Anna declared,

I am crying and praying with you. Please please let me know if we can do anybthing. Dinner, babsitting, cleaning, whatever. I want to help.

Anna H

2/23/2011 7:16 AM  
Anonymous dustin declared,

I have retyped this comment 3 or 4 times trying to thinking of what to say. I am sitting here at my desk at work reading this with tears in my eyes. All I will say is that Anna and I are praying for you, Jamie and your little girl. If you need ANYTHING at all let us know.

2/23/2011 7:16 AM  
Blogger Kara Jo declared,

My heart has been heavy since Jamie called yesterday. Love you guys. Praying for you and little princess angel baby.

2/23/2011 8:20 AM  
Blogger Keithslady declared,

You know we're hurting with you, wanting to make it better, knowing we can't, knowing you must hurt and will hurt and it's your path. Knowing that all of the words of help or comfort are not helpful or comforting right now. Knowing that no matter how things will turn out today or next week or in twenty years don't make any difference in what you feel right now. Know that I love you.
Please tell Miss Beautiful that Nana loves her, too.

2/23/2011 8:25 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Nichole J. declared,

Praying praying praying for you guys and the little life so precious.
Love
Nichole J.

2/23/2011 8:48 AM  
Anonymous Aunt Kari declared,

i love you guys

2/23/2011 8:55 AM  
Anonymous Jan declared,

Joey and Jamie,
There are no words that I can type to adequately express my sorrow at reading your blog. Know that I am praying for you both and "Miss Beautiful" - may God wrap you in his arms of peace and love.

2/23/2011 9:15 AM  
Anonymous Kandi declared,

Sorry, Joey, Sorry, Jamie. :( Don't know what else I can say.
(((hugs)))

2/23/2011 9:15 AM  
Blogger kristi noser declared,

Oh my heart is broken for you both. I am so sorry. Love to you all five.

2/23/2011 9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous declared,

Thanks for helping me feel some of what you are with your words. I hope nobody comes to my desk soon, because I can hardly see the screen right now. I love you guys, and Thadwick. My prayers are with you.

2/23/2011 9:32 AM  
Anonymous Bill Roehl declared,

:~(

2/23/2011 10:14 AM  
Blogger Cor declared,

Hey Joey. It saddens me greatly to hear this news and know of the heartbreak you and Jamie are going through. May God be your refuge in the storm.

2/23/2011 10:18 AM  
Blogger Pat Stream declared,

Brother I am so sorry. Weeping and mourning with you. We love you guys

2/23/2011 10:27 AM  
Anonymous John and Delores declared,

Our Prayers are with you....
we weep for you all
John and Delores

2/23/2011 10:28 AM  
Blogger Foos declared,

Joey & Jamie,

My heart aches with yours at the hearing of these sad words. We are praying for you.

Kevin Sigafoos

2/23/2011 10:33 AM  
Anonymous Molly declared,

Oh Jamie & Joey,

Can't tell you how heartbroken I am for you right now. Will be praying for your hearts and for your sweet baby. I'm just so sorry you are living this.

2/23/2011 10:57 AM  
Blogger Carla declared,

Sitting here crying and praying and loving you. I love you Miss Beautiful. What a precious girl you are to so many!!!

2/23/2011 11:16 AM  
Blogger Seth declared,

Heartbroken with you, brother. As much as I can be at least. This is tough to imagine, and I'm sure "roller coaster" is about the biggest understatement imaginable.

Praying with you, for you, and for your baby girl...

2/23/2011 11:26 AM  
Blogger Emily declared,

This post brought tears to my eyes. I am grieving for you.

2/23/2011 11:36 AM  
Blogger Erin declared,

I am so sorry. This is a beautiful post that brought tears to my eyes. My thoughts are with your family.

2/23/2011 1:10 PM  
Blogger Reegz declared,

So sad!! Praying & lifting you up to the one that holds "Miss Beautiful" in His hands.

2/23/2011 1:25 PM  
Blogger Chris Arsenault declared,

Trust in the Lord.

His love endures forever.

2/23/2011 1:38 PM  
Blogger Lisa declared,

I'm praying for you guys.

2/23/2011 2:21 PM  
Blogger Brenda declared,

Peace.

You don't know me, but I clicked over here from Carla's blog. I will pray for you, your wife, your twins and the precious baby in the womb. As a parent of a child with a significant disability, I urge you not to despair. I am not a big believer in using anecdotes to make a point, but things are not ALWAYS as they may seem in an early ultrasound. I know that you were given an awful shock, but cling to the faith (and each other), and know that many are praying for your family.

2/23/2011 3:51 PM  
Blogger Andrea declared,

I am so sorry to hear the news. We'll be praying for His peace to surround you and for your little baby.

2/23/2011 4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous declared,

Joining in prayer...
Emily

2/23/2011 5:22 PM  
Blogger Janet L declared,

We are praying for you and your family. I don't know what the LORD has planned but I know HE will never leave you nor forsake you.

Thank you for sharing on this blog...the love you have for Miss Beautiful is precious....

We love y'all....Janet

2/23/2011 5:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous declared,

Been thinking and praying and sad for you since I've heard. I love you all.

Ellen

2/23/2011 8:48 PM  
Blogger NoOtherName declared,

I keep feeling that I don't want you guys to feel this kind of pain...you're too young and I love you too much. I'm so sorry. I, like Anna, am crying and praying with you. May God's peace give you both sleep again tonight.

2/23/2011 10:54 PM  
OpenID prayerpointsbyliz declared,

May God bless you as you and your family travel on this journey. Life sure has some very difficult twists and turns. Miss Beautiful's Creator has placed her in a loving family and He knows each of her days. May you rest in His grace, love one another deeply, and may He grant you the peace that passes all human understanding. Lifting you and your up in prayer....Liz

2/27/2011 9:00 PM  

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